GLENN BECK PROGRAM
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

GLENN: From Radio City in Midtown Manhattan, hello, you sick twisted freak. Welcome to the program. I am so glad that you have tuned in today. Well, let's see. I wanted to go to NASCAR this weekend but I didn't get my vaccine. I -- hang on. Who do we have on the phone? Hello? Hello, who is this?

DR HERBLER: Yes, hello? It's Dr. Nerve Herbler.

GLENN: Dr. Nerve Herbler, I haven't heard from you for quite some time. How are you?

DR HERBLER: Very well.

GLENN: I know we were trying to get a hold of you. I was going to go to NASCAR but then I didn't get my vaccines and my booster shots.

'Doctor' Nerve Herbler

DR HERBLER: People are trying to make a joke of this and I believe you are trying to make light of it as well.

GLENN: No, I think -- listen. Just because some Democratic congress-men say to their staff if you are going to go to NASCAR, you always get vaccinated for all kinds of things, hepatitis A, B and even some stds. I don't think there's anything to make fun of there.

DR HERBLER: I can tell you that.

GLENN: Sure, they're not.

DR HERBLER: The worst part if people take simple steps and realize the symptoms, the negative effects can be avoided.

GLENN: The symptoms of what exactly?

DR HERBLER: Well, first of all, I'm from New York. This is not a problem on the island. I don't want to worry people. This is just a problem affecting America. Some people don't have to be concerned, Glenn.

GLENN: Okay, so people here in New York don't have to worry.

DR HERBLER: The first thing civilized people will feel when attending a NASCAR event is a sudden uneasiness of the stomach which slowly develops into flu-like symptoms. Then you'll notice a lightheadedness, not the typical woozy feeling, more of what would be described as an attack of the stupids.

GLENN: I don't think, Doctor, I don't think this is a medical condition.

DR HERBLER: There's no scientific consensus on this, Glenn. People believe that it could be -- there's one camp that says it could be fumes from the cars. The other is just saying that it could be the human body's reaction to white trash. And I'm not trying to say that I'm personally better than the average NASCAR fan despite all the evidence. I'm just trying to protect people here, Glenn.

GLENN: See, Doctor, I don't -- do you do a lot of work in congress?

DR HERBLER: Oh, I'm closely involved with the leadership of the Democratic party.

GLENN: Are you really?

DR HERBLER: Yes.

GLENN: And so you're advising them on the condition that you can get just by going to watch NASCAR?

DR HERBLER: It's very scary. For example, if you spend one afternoon, just one afternoon at the NASCAR event, our tests indicate that you will start eating boiled peanuts from a Crock Pot at a Circle K and living in a trailer in a former hazardous waste dump where your children will be born with six extra toes and a propensity to find their first cousins attractive.

GLENN: That's just after one hour? Oh, it's a full afternoon? How. So if you find yourself saying I would like some boiled peanuts from a Crock Pot at a Circle K, what do you do? Is it too late for you?

DR HERBLER: Well, you know, we don't know yet. This is the problem. This is why we want to get people inoculated. Despite all my research, Glenn, I can't seem to find any genetic deficiency in these people, which is perplexing to us highly New York trained elitists. I'm not saying -- I don't want to sound like I'm saying that I'm above these people.

GLENN: No.

DR HERBLER: I'm just saying that maybe we could just put them in their own fenced in area so they don't contaminate the real people. That's all.

GLENN: That's all you are saying.

DR HERBLER: That's all I'm saying.

GLENN: That's all you're saying. All right, Doctor. Well, it's so good to talk to you and I appreciate the clarity on this.

DR HERBLER: Well, you know, Glenn, it's an issue of facing people who, you know, who live on the island.

GLENN: Right.

DR HERBLER: Because if you ever go --

GLENN: Are you worried about anyone getting, you know, sick or anything if you live in Washington, D.C. or work in the capital?

DR HERBLER: Well, there are areas that the unclean can penetrate into Washington, D.C.

GLENN: Like what do you mean?

DR HERBLER: I'm saying, you know, the peasanty -- I don't know what the term is.

GLENN: NASCAR fans?

DR HERBLER: Yes, NASCAR fans.

GLENN: Okay.

DR HERBLER: I guess apparently there's no specific law making it illegal for them to come to -- near me.

GLENN: Have you done any studies in Washington? Where might these NASCAR fans be most likely to show up in the capitol building?

DR HERBLER: Where would they be most likely to strike? My guess is --

GLENN: I don't think NASCAR fans are striking.

DR HERBLER: When they attack, when their diseases attack? Is that what you mean?

GLENN: I don't think they have diseases.

DR HERBLER: I think the NASCAR fans' disease attack most when they are delivering the Gatorade. You need to really watch out because these people -- I mean, I don't know if you know this, Glenn. These are people that make under $300,000 a year. It's unbelievable. I mean, what is it, a third world country?

GLENN: Okay, Doctor, I appreciate it, thank you very much.

DR HERBLER: Thanks for letting me get the word out.

GLENN: You bet. It's unbelievable, man. These guys are such incredible elitists.

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